Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
#merica
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you