I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
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Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates