There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk