Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
You Might Also Like
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Just me?
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Practicing safe sax