Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I think this cat is broken
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Bootstraps
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
WTF
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?