My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.