When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.