Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio