Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
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I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend