Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.