Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
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Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell