funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”