This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle