I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
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What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.