Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.