We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You Might Also Like
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Simple enough.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders