Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.