scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it