It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
You Might Also Like
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?