Me too door. Me too.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*