I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
A wise man once said nothing.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
PLOT TWIST:
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius