playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else