I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
“What?”
– Jude
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*