Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka