My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Spotted in New Orleans.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.