i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
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Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice