[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.