My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
The 6 types of sex