The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.