Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
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your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
beware of dog
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.