Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
when you are just born a rebel
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Attacked by a mop.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool