My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!