*Inspirational Tweets*
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Truth
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
May have had one breakfast too many
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water