I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?