Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
You Might Also Like
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me, in DM rooms…
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”