OMG 🤣🤣
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Poetry is my passion
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.