The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
@ candidates for local office
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
what does he know…
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Lmao