The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity