I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.