20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-