She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.