me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped