In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
You Might Also Like
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.