Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
i could never be president. im overqualified.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The honesty is refreshing
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.