INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.