Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Do not levitate over flowers
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Unexpected Judgment