I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You Might Also Like
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that