Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no