[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
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People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.