Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.